Posted by Kevin Matthews on December 25, 2000 at 00:06:01:
BREAKING NEWS: BUSH SEEKS TO ENJOIN SANTA FROM CHECKING LIST TWICE
Lack of Standards Decried
Austin, TX (Dec. 13)--Attorneys for President-Elect George W. Bush filed
suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his
list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction
against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his
traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one
additional time before packing his sleigh.
The suit filed in Federal District Court in Austin, asks a federal judge to
"hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative
list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted without
amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."
There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's
totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check?
This checking, checking and re-checking over and over again must stop now,"
said former Secretary James Baker.
Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf remove all
boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty' instead
because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats." Bush cited the
potential for unauthorized list tampering, blasted what he called the
"crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole." "Their security is really
awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just walked right in, told 'em she
was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nothing."
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus,
I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The
children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now," Cheney
said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony
she's asked for.
The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to the latest development with
plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The
"Rainbow Mush for Justice" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red suits
and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but a spokeself said he was
"deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him. "He's
losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho Ho' for days," said the spokeself.
Experts feel that future Christmas celebrations could be placed in jeopardy.
Santa is apparantly not qualified for any other job, and no one is sure what
he might do if he loses this battle.